HUMOR - Garn und Döntjes

THE BODY

When the body was first made,
ALL PARTS WANTED TO BE BOSS.

The brain said: "Since I do all the thinking
and control everything -
I should be boss !"

The feet said: "Since I carry man where he wants to go
and get him in position to do what the brain wants-
I should be boss !"

The hands said: " Since I do all the work
and earn all the money to keep the rest of you-
I should be boss! "

And so it went with the heart, the ears, and the lungs.
And finally the asshole spoke up and demanded to be boss.
And all the other parts laughed and laughed
at the idea of an asshole to be boss.

The asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off
and refused to work.
Soon-
The brain was feverish;
The eyes crossed;
The feet were to week to walk;
The hands hung limply at the sides;
The heart and the lungs struggled to keep going.

And all pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be boss.
And so it happened.

All the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed
and passed out a lot of shit.

The moral
You don't have to be a brain to be boss. just an "ASSHOLE!"

DIE INSPEKTION

Jeden Monat kam von Land,
weil es so im Dienstplan stand
und die Gründe kennt man schon,
die gewohnte Inspektion.

Tetje hörte schon von fern
den vertrauten Motorlärm;
denn der Staat, der sieht sich vor,
der kauft keinen Bootsmotor,

Eh der alte, wie ihr wißt,
restlos in die Binsen ist.
Drum vernahm die Inspektion
man gleich hinter Hamburg schon.

Der Inspektor war ein Mann,
wie man ihn nur wünschen kann:
ruhig, sachlich, immer friedlich,
hinterher sogar gemütlich
hinterher sogar gemütlich.

Tja, ich weiß ja, lieber Twist,
dass alles hier in Ordnung ist:
aber Inspektion muss sein,
sonst schläft alles langsam ein.

Dann begab man sich zu Tisch,
es gab frischen Pfannenfisch
und dann beim privaten Klön
ab und zu mal einen Köm

Sie erzählten lang und breit
von der schönen Fahrenszeit
von den Dampfern und Segelschiffen
und den Klippen und den Riffen.

Und bei diesem Hin und Her
wurde stets die Buddel leer,
worauf der Inspektor dankte
und per Boot nach Hause schwankte.
Quelle: Tetje Twist / Leben auf dem Leuchtturm

CASUALTY  REPORT
It is with regret and haste to write this letter to you, regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own preconceived opinions from reports in the world press, for sure they will tend to overdramatise the affair. Our ship had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from changing the G-flag for the H-signal and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty in rolling the G up. The Master therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to the last part, the cadet was told to let go. The lad, although willing, was not too bright, necessitating the Master having to repeat the order in a sharper tone. At this moment, the Chief Officer appeared from the chartroom, having been plotting the vessel's course, and thinking, that it was the anchors that were being referred to, not noticing the apprentice, repeated the LET-GO to the Third Officer on the forecastle. The port anchor, having been cleared away but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop frome the pipe while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out by the roots, fearing that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans a tributary to the river, which we were proceeding. The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for our vessel. Unfortunately he did not a thing to stop the vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opended and deposited a Volkswagen, two cyclists and a cattle truck on the foredeck. The crew are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise it sounds like pigs. In his efforts to stop the ship, the Third Officer consequently dropped also the starboard anchor, too late to be of any practical use for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin. After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer the Master gave a double ring Full Astern on the Engine Room Telegraph and personally rang the Engine Room to order maximum astern revolutions.
From the Engine the Master was informed that the sea-temperature was 53 degrees and asked if there was a film tonight, his reply would not add constructively. Up to now the report is confined to the forward end of the vessel; down aft they were having their own problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go, the Second Officer was supervising the making fast of the tug aft and was lowering the ship's towing springdown onto the tug. The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run-in under the stern of our vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was answering the double ring Full Astern. The prompt action of the Second Officer in securing the inboard eye of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes, thereby allowing the safe abandonning of the tug. It is strange, but the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable area at that time might suggest that we may have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high-tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possiblyreplaced by underwater cable, but owing to the shore black blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell. It never fails to amaze, the actions and behaviours of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot, for instance, in this moment huddled in the corner of the day cabin, alternately crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion  in the Guiness Book of Records. The tug captain, on the other hand reacted violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the Steward, who had him handcuffed in the ship's hospital, where he is telling the  Master to do impossible things with his ship and his crew. Enclosed you will find names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on the foredeck, which the Third Officer found out after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the focsle, suggesting to the Master to collect parking fee from the car and truck owners. Closing the preliminary report, for it is difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights, it is very sad to think that had the apprentice realized that there is no need to fly the pilot flag after dark, none of this would have happened. Coastwise.

Quelle: Coastwise (Nightmare of a Supercargo by B&I lines.)

KNOWLEDGE

A Captain is said to be a man who
knows a great deal about very little
and goes along more and more
about less and less until he finally
knows practically everything about nothing.

An Engineer on the other hand is a man who
knows very little about a great deal
and keeps on knowing less and less
about more and more until he finally
knows practically nothing about everything.

An Agent starts out knowing practically
eveything about everything and ends up
knowing nothing about nothing due to his
association with Captains and Engineers. 
(Coastwise)

FRÖHLICHER SEEMANN
Ehre sei GOTT auf dem Meere.
ER hat die See so weit bestellt
als schönsten Teil der ganzen Welt
und tat damit seine Weisheit kund,
dass nicht ein jeder Lumpenhund,
mit denen die Erde so reichlich gesegnet,
dem fröhlichen Seemann da draußen begegnet.
Doch als der HERR das Meer gemacht
hat ER die Behörden nicht bedacht,
nicht die Aktionäre, nicht Renditen
nicht die Billigflaggen, nicht Banditen,
das muss, wie kann es anders sein,
IHM später eingefallen sein. 
So nahm ER es noch einmal in die Hand,
verbannte die Seeleute an Land
und lässt die, die kräftig schummeln
sich auf See wie Haie tummeln.
Der fröhliche Seemann unterdessen
hat das Fröhlichsein gar bald vergessen.
Ehre sei GOTT auf dem Meere.
(Gefunden im Haus Tritonia in Bremen)

"WHY IS A SHIP A SHE" / a ship or boat is called a she
because there is always a great deal of bustle about her
because there is always a gang of men around
because she takes a lot of paint to keep her good looking
because it is not the initial expense that breaks you, it is the the upkeeping
because she is all decked out and it takes a good man to handle her
because she knows her topsides, hides her bottom and when coming into port
she always heads straight for the b(u)oys.

Warum wird eine Yacht SIE genannt.
SIE wird meistens von einem Mann gesteuert.
SIE übernimmt die Führung in einem unbewachten Augenblick.
SIE verträgt nicht gut überladen zu werden.
SIE muss gute und teure Kleider tragen,
SIE wechselt den Namen bei jedem neuen Besitzer.
SIE wird gemalt und aufgetakelt bevor sie rausgeht.
SIE kostet mehr Unterhalt als der Besitzer sich gedacht hat.
SIE kann einen Mann zum Untergang bringen und in die Tiefe reißen.
SIE wird mit dem Alter unrentabel.
(Eiben)